Dear Tuesday - 10th May 2011 - @TeamRivers

Dear Tuesday,

Today I have learned valuable lessons.

• Poppers burn
• Karma bites
• Having sex to Nicki Minaj is distracting
• A group of crows are called a murder

So Tuesday, what a day you were.

Prior to your arrival I had been working on an essay for English literature and had to have it finished and emailed to my tutor by the Tuesday before. I had not done this and as I didn’t want to apply for an extension I emailed my tutor saying ‘please find attached my essay’, obviously with nothing attached. She replied advising that there was no attachment and to cut a mundane story short gave me till Monday to get it send.

I had it done by Monday and emailed it to her and thought nothing of it. Tuesday arrived and I check my uni email to find I have one inbox message, to Adam Rivers, from Adam Rivers. When I had sent the email I’d replied, so I thought, to one of her emails but in fact sent it to myself.

HORROR.

I sent an email with the

To: Adam Rivers

From: Adam Rivers attachment and awaited a reply.

Dear Adam,
 I have consulted Spencer and explained the email mishaps but unfortunately your assignment has to be treated as a late submission and will be capped at 40%. I will get it marked asap and sent back to you.

I wanted to kill myself but held back suicide and instead emailed the head of my year informing them I was going to quit university and papercut my wrists and get drunk on Sailor Jerry’s (also 40%). Luckily for me this worked and they revoked the capping decision which is good because I would have knee capped him otherwise, I’m from Birmingham; it’s what we do.. This was my Tuesday lesson making me aware that karma will bite you in the ass. 

A email wasn’t the only thing you delivered to me, Tuesday. My 28th year is fast approaching and so I’m hitting the gym harder than Vanessa Feltz on ketamine. I needed things to waste my student loan on and so purchased creatine in the hope I would wake up buff.  Tuesday, you woke me up but not with a buff body; oh no you wake me up with a belly like Mariah Carey.
To my dismay, my stomach could only be described as pregnant, apparently this is known as the creatine bloat.  I decided that he would be named Hudson and the father was the fit ginger bloke from Grindr.

Which nicely brings me on to my next Tuesday tale… I had a gentleman caller (from Grindr) and through intercourse normally play the Kings of Leon, it’s my sex album. This time I decide on a bit of Nicki Minaj which is cool enough I think, to play during sex.

I’m a Gemini so I’m easily distracted, it’s in my nature.  Out of all the lines to pick I sing out loud ‘and I don’t sympathise, cause you a simple bitch.’ To which he replies in his thick Welsh Valley accent ‘did you just call me a simple bitch?’ I tried to explain that I was singing along to the song but he left leaving me with nothing but popper burn marks around my face and a stained vest.

I do however, see you out with style Tuesday. Armed with bottles of vodka and a dvd of Lady Gaga’s concert I head for my friends to drink and sing. My friend Lee already pissed smokes a cigarette that we shall describe as ‘full of herb’ and throws a whitey. (My ex boyfriend trying to be cool once referred to it as throwing a bluey)  So I end Tuesday with these wise words…

“Do you know the worse thing for a whitey? ME!”

I love you Tuesday….Please call again.